75% sure....

So I couldn't wait any longer..I just had to know.  Greg, Gabe, Joel and I made the trip to catch a glimpse of our beautiful new baby.  

When the doctor first started looking, I think even he thought it was a girl.  He said..."OH I don't see anything", but about 30 seconds later he said..."It's a Boy"....75% sure.

Now...let me start the remainder of this blog post with a disclaimer.  I know thousands of people die ever day of horrible diseases and war and famine.  I know millions of Americans are worried about losing their jobs and how they will feed their families.   I know in the grand scheme of life us having five boys is no big deal, but to me, it's a big deal.  It's sad, not rip your heart out roll on the floor weeping sad, but it's still sad.  

I can see myself going through the seven stages of grief:

• shock and denial:  I was definitely shocked yesterday, more because for a second I thought maybe the Lord had answered the millions of prayers I have been sending up.  I'm a wee bit in denial...maybe there really is a 25% chance that it's a girl.  (I will say I'm not holding my breath)
• pain and guilt:  Don't know that I'm actually dealing/dealt with this one.  I will say at lunch yesterday I felt a little guilty that I'm not embracing motherhood with more gusto and vowed to work on it!  I also have dealt with the pain of what is wrong with me that God won't give me a girl.
• anger and bargaining:  This morning I woke up pretty angry about the whole situation.  I don't want to hear everyone's "thoughtful" comments about "well at least you won't have to buy a ton of girl's clothes" and "girls are SO dramatic".  
• depression and reflection
• the upward turn
• reconstruction and working through
• acceptance and hope

I haven't made it to the last four stages because it's a little early.  I know by the time this baby is born I will be excited and happy to have a new little boy in our lives.  You know what makes me saddest, boys leave and for the most part don't really look back.  They don't call their mother's ever day to chat and catch up (if they did they would be on Dr. Phil).  Boys don't shop and get pedicures together.  It just makes me sad.  

I found this poem on a whole website devoted to gender disappointment.  I thought it was nice:

I am a mother,

Who has dreams I'm afraid may not come true,

I dream of the day

Of holding a bundle of pink or blue....

 

Maybe I'm dreaming of pink,

A daughter who could one day be,

A strong but soft woman

A newer version of me....

 

Maybe I'm dreaming of blue,

A son to be strong, but kind,

A sweet little boy,

To grow into a good man in time...

 

So please don't judge me,

Or these feelings I can't change,

They may seem unknown to you,

Bad or strange.....

 

Please keep in mind,

Even if I'm not given my dream,

I carry a love within me

That may be unseen...

 

I will love my child,

Boy or girl,

And I will hold and kiss them just the same,

And they will be my world...

 

Even though I'm disappointed,

It's not with what was given to me,

It's disappointment for a world,

That I might never be blessed to see....

 

As I said before, I know my problems are nothing compared to what others, even some of my good friends, have to go through, but it is real to me.  Just say you're sorry for me, let me wallow in self pity for a couple of days and then I'll move on...you'll see!

P.S.  Is this baby going to give me a run for my money???  Have you ever seen one floating upside down like that??  I'm not sure I have!