alive day ~ n. the anniversary of a close escape from death, especially one involving permanent injury.

**WARNING THIS POST CONTAINS MY THERAPEUTIC RANTINGS AND A SORT OF EMOTIONAL VOMIT OF THE HAPPENINGS OF NOVEMBER 29, 2005**

Today is an exciting day.  Today is Ryan Kules' 2nd ALIVE DAY.  If you asked me two years ago if I thought we would be celebrating Ryan's life and achievements, I would have never believed you.

On the morning of November 29th I awoke early to get the kids and I out the door so that I could attend SGT Sacco's memorial service.  As stated before, the previous week had been a blur of activity which ended with Fort Riley's traditional Memorial Service.  Memorial Services, as they should be, are gut wrenchers, especially when you attend them alone, without your husband. 

Walking into Morris Hill Chapel, the annex is always filled with pictures of the fallen soldier and their families.  Pictures of sons with their mothers, husbands with their wives, and fathers with their babies.  Black ribbons are handed out as you enter the chapel, which has been draped with the traditional, boots, rifle, dog tags and helmet memorial.  I often wondered what this signified and finally looked it up today:

Most units prepare a visible reminder of the deceased soldier similar to that depicted above. The helmet and identification tags signify the fallen soldier. The inverted rifle with bayonet signals a time for prayer, a break in the action to pay tribute to our comrade. The combat boots represent the final march of the last battle. 

This summer, as mentioned in my earlier posts, Greg and I attended a Brookes and Dunn concert.  We had a great time, but in the middle of the concert they tried to pay tribute to the troops fighting over seas.  They played their famous song "Only in America" complete with flags on ever screen, a few military personnel dressed in their finest and the above memorial.  I have to say I was a little taken aback that they would choose to use this in their act.  People cheered when the military guys brought it out.  It made me sick to think that people were cheering basically the death of a soldier.  I know that's not how they meant it but it was a little hard to stomach.  Especially when Greg and I have been to way to many memorials where this symbol really did represent a real soldier, a man who fearlessly died fighting for his country.

As I found my seat in the memorial, I could sense that their was stress in the air.  This memorial was some how different.  People were whispering a little more then normal and when LTC West gave his speech about SGT Sacco, he got choked up and began to cry.  I can't tell you how many memorial services I have been too, but I have never seen the Rear Detachment commander cry.  Not because he is cold hearted or cruel, they just don't usually cry.  

SGT Sacco's memorial ended with the typical roll call and 21 gun salute.  Two things I'd be happy never to hear again.

As I drove home, I had a sense of relief that everything for Alpha company was, I suppose complete.  It sounds horrible to say that way.  I'm sure Brandi Sacco steal grieves for her husband but the memorial part was over.  I had been home about an hour when the phone rang.  On the line was our battalion commander's wife with a cryptic message.  If I received a phone call from "a wife", to not ask her any questions, or tell her anything but to have her call Rear D immediately.  Of course anytime you get a message like that your heart begins to race and nausea sets in.  I knew a message like that was not a good thing.  

By the end of the day I was finally able to convince someone in the know, to let me in on what was going on.  When "this person" said "it's Nancy".  I nearly threw up.  Nancy and Ryan Kules were the newest Platoon Leaders in our company.  Nancy's strong will and quirky personality reminded me a lot of myself and all though hundreds of miles away, she was in Tempe, we were fast friends.  While on patrol in Iraq, Ryan's Humvee was hit by an IED.  The two soldiers with him were killed instantly and Ryan lost his right arm and left leg and was clinging to life.  Suddenly I knew what the extra stress was that day in the memorial.  That memorial was only the first of three for Alpha Company and I believe LTC West already knew what was to come as he spoke of SGT Sacco.  I can still remember falling on my knees that night in our little master bathroom and sobbing and then praying, praying that Ryan would hold on, at least until Nancy could see him.  

I was so angry at God back then, how could he let this happen to someone that we knew someone that we liked, someone who was nice.  Aren't bad things only supposed to happen to bad people!  (I wish life were that way!)  Luckily God isn't scared of my disdain for him, I believe he embraces our true feelings and loves us anyways.  I'm still trying to find my way back to the simple God of my childhood that I could trust and love no matter what, but I'm getting there.  I'm very thankful for a patient God!

Nancy chronicled her days, weeks and months with Ryan on a caringbridge site.  If you have the time, it could take awhile, you should read everything from day one.  Her love and strength for Ryan is amazing.  Ryan is lucky to have her in his life.  Now a days Ryan and Nancy live in a cute little house in Maryland that they remodeled.  They have a BEAUTIFUL baby girl named Jillian and Ryan works full time for a group called the Wounded Warrior Project.  It is absolutely amazing how far they have come in 730 days!

Alright, sorry everybody (ie. Nancy) for the mush, it's my last sappy emotional post for awhile!